Deconditioning from the Capitalist Cult of Overworking
Even 18 months after leaving my corporate career and jumping into living my Human Design experiment full time, I was recently surprised to see myself unknowingly falling into old patterns that I thought I had confronted.
Cults are a favorite topic of mine because they are the perfect microcosm of a larger trend that allows me to study societal patterns during this transition from the Piscean Age to the Aquarian Age.
While there are certain things we openly recognize as cults, like Scientology, NXIVM, Charles Manson, ISIS, I'm starting to realize that many aspects of the way we live our lives and structure our society are cult-like.
I'm starting to see that any structure pushing people to behave in a certain way for the benefit of a small group of people at the top is a cult.
What is the official definition of a cult? Well, one definition, and the most fitting here, is:
"a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular person or thing."
In my case, the pattern I see in myself is an excessive admiration for the concept of my work existing separate from me as a human and for sacrificing my health and well-being at the altar of Work.
I don't feel bad, though - deconditioning comes in layers. As we go deeper, we revisit new facets of recurring themes. I try to embrace this as the joy of being human (?)
I hope that my experiences will resonate with others and perhaps spark recognition about your patterns.
HOW IT ALL BEGAN
In my school life - which eventually morphed into my work life - I was diligently trained to put work first. Part of this is being a Sacral Being, who finds completing things satisfying. Part of it is being a double Virgo, a people-pleaser, a perfectionist. And honestly, part of it was not knowing how to think for myself.
I remember having intense emotional experiences in my early 20's after a breakup or perceived failure and locking myself in my college dorm room. I would cut off all my friends for days and sink into a combination of depression and a 1-line deep dive; I was desperately trying to get to the bottom of this particular experience and find the Truth so that I could move on.
However, even though everything else in my life stopped, I could always work. I finished my assignments and turned them in on time. I got high marks. Doing anything else just wasn't an option. I watched as the people around me confidently asked for extensions instead of staying up all night (once I stayed up for over 48 hours straight), but that didn't feel like an option to me.
There was something about these external expectations that was soothing. It was a respite from my inner demons. My work/studies were, weirdly, a place that made sense, where I knew I could achieve satisfaction by completing something. Even better? Completing something at the expense of my health and well-being, sacrificing all my energy and free time, my sleep, my overall wellness, and often my mental health. Somehow I equated that with maximum satisfaction. It just never occurred to me that there could be another way.
Over the next few years, I wasn't always employed (thank you, 2008 crash), but I always wanted to be. I saw my quieter times working seasonal jobs and bouncing around as wasted time. In retrospect, during these periods, I was the most creative and healthy - I had time to eat well, make things, express myself, and exercise. However, there was always something nagging at me to go harder.
GETTING IN DEEPER
Three years into my "adult" life, I found the field that would turn into my career. It was a playground for someone with workaholic tendencies. As an operation, we worked around the clock, contracting with offices on every continent and covering every time zone. When I ended my day, someone in China picked up where I left off and worked through the night. I woke up every morning to an entire day's worth of missed emails and messages tracking what had occurred overnight, so every morning was like being a day behind. We served the most innovative companies in Silicon Valley, who live at work and have no work/life balance.
I did hesitate at first. In the first few years, I worked on a client that was large, well-established, and automated, and it allowed for more stability than most people in the company had. There was something in me resisting giving myself over entirely to my work. I had a violent and abrupt spiritual awakening during this period, and I was mostly focused on that. However, just as before, all of this somehow occurred right alongside my double life as a corporate employee.
I would sit at my desk receiving cosmic downloads and transmuting energy; I would show up early to the office after staying up all night, descending into the Void, and birthing a new self. I managed to create my oracle deck and launch my side business while rising in the company's ranks. I saw work as something that fed and supported my real purpose of unearthing myself.
It happened gradually, but after a few years, I got in deeper. I relocated to London for a few months and worked long days on a new team. I took on demanding clients and started routinely taking calls at 6 or 7 am. I got addicted to the problems I was solving and feedback from clients and bosses. I didn't know where work ended and I began. I felt a sense of profound accomplishment sometimes, but other times I felt my soul telling me it was dying. For the most part, I ignored that and focused on how important I felt and how I was building a future for myself through all of this doing, doing, doing.
What I lost during that process was the connection to myself that I spent years forging. It slipped away so gradually that I didn't even realize it. The first few years at that job, inner work was my life. After my awakening, I had spent two years exploring my deepest shadows, going to the depths of my pain, and getting to the truth of what it meant to love on Earth and to be love on Earth. I discovered my connection to something larger and recognized that the more time I spent intentionally connecting to the universe, the more every part of my life flourished.
Somehow during those last couple of years, I stopped doing my inner work. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped connecting to God. Work was number one.
PULLING MYSELF OUT
I eventually made a decision to leave that behind, start my own business that would support and nurture me, and here we are.
But recently, I noticed myself doing the same thing. At this point, I know what I need every day to function as my optimal self, thanks to Human Design. Yet, I still found myself prioritizing my work every day and somehow managing to turn my creative business into a grind. I wasn't moving my body, wasn't taking the time to be, to investigate things that were interesting to me, to channel and connect to God, and to enjoy the people in my life.
So, in the last few weeks, I've been making sure I change that. Sometimes this feels like deconditioning from a cult. The reality is that when I take care of myself first, I'm much more effective in my work. I'm more creative, efficient, and inspired. WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET THIS?
Well, it's just part of life. It's part of being a 1/3 Profile and part of my journey. It's also part of living life right now on Earth, where so many of us have bought into the cult of overworking ourselves, believing that this is our purpose.
The good news is that the New Paradigm has piqued our interest in tools that are here to help us understand and observe ourselves in a loving way, like Human Design, Numerology, and Astrology.
I will keep caring for myself before sacrificing myself to an external concept of work and redefining how I view my creative process. As opposed to sacrificing myself at the altar of work, I’m here to allow my work to support me, grow me, and enhance my life.
I'll let you know how it goes!
Love,
Rachel
Make sure to keep in touch!