Reflections on Two Months of Total Deconditioning
It’s been 60 days since I finished my final work at the corporate job I had been at for over 5 years and entered into a space where I had almost zero external constraints on my time. I thought I had an idea of what I would do after I left, but as it turned out, the path took a different direction than I expected. I was guided to learn a lot about something that interested me (Human Design), and share what I was learning and integrating with others (creating this blog).
Mostly, I’ve been doing a LOT of resting, inner work, healing, and spending time in nature. What all of this basically amounted to was reconnecting to the parts of myself that had been buried for at least a year (and some parts - a lifetime) under a lot of conditioning.
If I were king of the forest, this privilege would be available to everyone no matter their situation or income level. Since I have had the opportunity to experience it, I wanted to share my insights on what happens when a Generator that has been doing work that doesn’t align with who they are is completely freed from having their energy controlled, contained, or directed by any outside force.
HOW I VIEW DECONDITIONING
For me, deconditioning is letting go of all the thoughts and behaviors that are coming directly from outside sources. In Human Design, this shows up as the thoughts that we start having from our open centers. These thoughts can hijack our inner guidance. In leaving my corporate job to create something entirely for myself, I wanted to let go of all the beliefs I had accumulated over the years about myself and the world that came from an outside source. I wanted to see who I truly was, free of those pressures and structures.
LINEAR AND NON-LINEAR ENERGY
I’ve been learning about balancing my masculine and feminine energy for years. However, I find that these labels can be alienating since it’s so hard to separate them from their gender-based connotation. Now, I like to refer to the “masculine” as linear energy, and the “feminine” as non-linear energy. We all have our own unique internal balance of these that, when achieved, helps our lives see flow, satisfaction, success, and harmony.
© Pure Generators. This image cannot be used without permission.
In my previous work situation, I needed to tap into both my linear and non-linear energy. However, I felt I was mostly rewarded for the linear energies. People loved my non-linear energy when it benefitted them, but were critical of it when they felt threatened by it or didn’t understand my methods. This was immensely painful, and a huge motivator for why I wanted to create my own solo work environment, completely tailored to me.
I felt I had to shut away the parts of me that were most human. I wasn’t allowed to have feelings. I wasn’t allowed to demand basic human respect from certain people because of hierarchies. I wasn’t allowed to need unstructured time or quiet time to recover from hours and hours of meetings with narcissistic, disrespectful people who were never happy and did not take responsibility for themselves. I supported the linear parts of my job - being analytical, goal-oriented, and watching the bottom line. I value this part of myself, too. However, our bottom line was doing fine. There was room for improving my life by working less hours, having more open time to digest and come up with creative solutions. Being in a hierarchy, I needed other people to agree to what I was asking for. They couldn’t see the value in my health or satisfaction, and so I knew I needed to build my own structure around who I am. Something that made me truly happy, energized, and delighted by what I was doing everyday.
In the last two months, I have spent a lot of time reconnecting with my non-linear energy. I let my Sacral authority tell me when to work, and when to rest. I am releasing the connection between my worth as a human and my productivity. I had suppressed my non-linear energy, and so I’ve needed a lot of extra time to let it express itself and reclaim its importance within my aura and energy field. What does this look like? Sleeping, doing lots of inner work and introspection, feeling my feelings, tending to my sacred workspace, going out in nature, doing only things I enjoy and feel like doing (be that work or something else!).
FEAR
I stopped working full time a couple months before fully leaving my job and worked part-time from home, and thankfully those weeks gave me a chance to work through the most intense waves of fear that arose. This was trauma from previous conditioning that said that I couldn’t make it on my own, or that I couldn’t trust my inner guidance. The tricky thing is that once we become free, it gives all of our traumas and fears breathing room to finally come to the surface.
At the two month mark, most days I feel confident in my path. However, when we take big steps to create change in our lives and free ourselves from the structures we’ve belonged to for a long time, we can find that they were both suppressing us and keeping us safe from certain fears or issues that we didn’t want to face. I have been processing and healing a lot of fears related to my non-linear energy, areas of low self worth, and feeling secure in being a sensitive being living on planet Earth.
At this point, I understand that facing my fears is a big part of my deconditioning, and I don’t worry when I get anxiety seeing people out on their lunch breaks from their office jobs when I am living with no external structures! Ha! I use it as a useful clue to what I might journal about or work through that day.
WHAT WAS I CHASING?
After a solid year of overworking myself, I reflected on what exactly I was chasing. There is always a reason why we put up with things that we know aren’t good for us. I quickly realized that the reason I kept pushing myself was because I kept thinking that somehow I could carry myself into a state of flow, harmony, and satisfaction. I kept thinking that if I could just complete this task, this quarter, this project, fill this position, then finally I would have the space to be free, in charge of my time, and let the creative energy flow, both at my job and in my personal life.
The reality was that I had willingly entered a system where this would never be possible. I was chasing something that wouldn’t ever be real.
So, I’ve decided to create that myself.
WHAT I FEEL NOW
I’ve never felt more aligned in my life as I do now. I still face challenges every day, but I feel expansive, excited, and energized by what I’m doing because I’m finally making something that I believe in. I look forward to waking up every morning, and my love for life itself is deeper and deeper. My relationships are getting better, I feel rested and healthy, I am taking care of myself, and I am finally creating something that is 100% exciting to me. Releasing myself from the stress of being in a hierarchy that was not a Sacral “yes” has opened up so much more flow, creativity, and purpose.
It is my hope that everyone who feels the pull toward doing something that honors who they truly are can transition into this new life. Facing the fears are worth it!
Love,
Rachel
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