A story about how I forgot to let myself feel satisfaction, placed too much emphasis on external achievements, and had a dark night of the soul
I wanted to share something that I experienced recently. It may resonate with you because, as a 1/3 Generator, I feel that many of my personal experiences are also collective experiences. Also, it makes me happy to write about things I've experienced!
I got disconnected from my soul at some point in the spring and got caught in the "matrix" again. I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but looking back, I can trace a lot of it to messages I was taking in through my undefined heart and throat centers. I was having a lot of thoughts of "you have to prove yourself," "you have to force yourself to be consistently expressing things," "no one hears you." Some of these thoughts I was aware of, some of them I was not.
These thoughts pulled me away from deriving the meaning in my life from my inner world (a.k.a. my personal satisfaction because I'm a Generator). I was still relying on my inner authority to guide me. However, because my Instead, I start to assign my life's meaning to things happening in my outer world.
At one point, I knew that when I do things that satisfy me, my concrete goals (money, success, numbers, reach...quantifiable things) are a natural byproduct of my correct energy use. Somehow, I forgot. I started assigning too much meaning to the actual goal and forgetting that my purpose and satisfaction come from my connection to my Sacral/life force energy/source energy and the universe.
Looking back, I still feel that I created the right things. But I forgot that the meaning was coming from the creation and not the destination. I created them but did not allow myself to feel satisfaction.
Then, something happened. I hit the goal. I not only hit my goal, but I blew a goal out of the water that I had had for years. I had created many expectations out of this goal and assigned a lot of meaning to it. I expected this goal to solve a lot of issues I was having. In reality, these issues were inside of me, stemming from disconnection from myself and source.
We can guess what happened next. Disappointment, disillusion, frustration. I thought that this feeling of accomplishment would nourish me. It didn't. All of a sudden, everything felt meaningless. My energy disappeared with the goal I had hit. I wondered why I was doing any of this work and had a profound existential crisis because, um, wasn't I supposed to be happy?
Seemingly trapped in my own darkness, I had nowhere to go but within. I could feel my Sacral energy guiding me. Putting effort toward everything outside of me made me extremely queasy. I fought it. I eventually surrendered. I couldn't do any of the activities I had been enjoying for months. I felt guided to buy a new journal. I wrote in it. I got my Minimalist Oracle out - yes, the tool I was so satisfied by creating five years ago but hadn't touched in who knows how long and did a check-in with my soul. I made myself fresh salads and drank gallons of water. I rested and slept. I watched TV shows that calmed me (100+ hours of Cold Case Files, thx 1-line). I read a book on creativity. My mind screamed - YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH BY DOING THINGS THAT OTHERS FIND VALUABLE IN THE EXTERNAL WORLD. My trusty Sacral took away all the energy I had for that. Finally, I had no choice but to look within (again).
It always surprises me how easy it is to forget these things. Being human is WILD. I forgot that the center of my world is my connection to source. My deepest satisfaction comes from expressing that life force energy in a way that feels good to me. I'm designed to create the things that I want to see in the world, release them, continue sharing them, and not pay all that much attention to how they are received.
As I was showered with epiphanies, my fixation on the outside world melted away. I feel like I'm reborn. I feel trusting, flowing, magnetic, filled with wonderment and pure presence. For me, my true essence is not sourced from anything I achieve outside of myself. My external achievements are important; at the same time, when I remember that the most important thing is my internal satisfaction, the achievements are inevitable.
Can't wait to see what happens next!
Love,
Rachel
Make sure to keep in touch!
